On Losing People

Left to right, back to front: Myself, Martin Gruden (Shaheed Rudi Chekdar), Jordan Mactaggart (Shaheed Ciwan Firat), and Jordan Matson, in a house/staging area in Manbij. Half the guys in this photo didn't make it out alive. If anyone reading this knows how to get a hold of the family of Shaheed Rudi (Martin Gruden of Slovenia), Please contact me. If they would like to know, I can tell them about his last day. If they would like to be left alone, then Shaheed Namirin. I hope they find peace. (Photo Jordan Mactaggart Collection)

Lose your sense of humor in a grisly situation, and you'll lose it (Note the tag on the wall, upper right. It says "F.oreign A.ssault G.roup," because acronyms should denote the serious nature, of serious Fuckers, doing serious things.). Gallows humor best humor. This house was occupied by Tabor Yekbun, which Matson was attached to for a time. Ciwan, Rudi and myself were with another Tabor that helped them hold the building down for a while, as it was being used as a staging area for further pushes into the city. Friends and I later called it the "Yekbun Death House' because at least half the Tabor was Shaheed or injured here. There were many Death Houses in Manbij.

     Before I carry on, and eventually finish the 'War is a Drug' Series, I want to talk about this. Losing People. Losing your friends, your Brothers and Sisters. It's intensely painful. I can't find the right words to describe the sensation of wrapping your newly Shaheed friend in a blanket. Words fail me. One quickly gets accustomed to the unattended bodies of enemies, of the smell of rotting flesh. Not so with dead comrades. When their gaze meets yours, it sticks with you. You can only hold their eyes shut and hope you did everything you could, but you will never feel like you did. You will wish you had stepped just a few feet forward and took the bullet for them. And I don't know how to express how this feels. A 2004 study of Vietnam Veterans experiencing PTSD found that: "In this study, we therefore, sought to demonstrate the prominence of combat-related grief-specific symptoms in a sample of Vietnam veterans being treated for PTSD. Our results indicated that indeed this sample of veterans reported high levels of grief-specific symptoms comparable to that found in bereaved individuals whose spouse had recently died..."      

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15474850

And this is a study of War Vets who lost their Comrades many years before. Think long and hard before you go off to war. 

     As part of the coming posts, I'll talk about the last days of three Shaheeds--Ciwan, Firaz, and Rudi. I know many, many Kurdish Shaheeds, but few that I was with in their last. Nevertheless, I'll still talk about some of my Kurdish Hevals who gave all in Manbij. Also, if you're looking for full, graphic descriptions of what happened in these guys last moments, look elsewhere. It's not necessary, and takes or adds nothing to who they were or what they did in life.

     Lastly: I'm not a hero, and don't claim to be one. I'm literally some big thirty-something lurching Midwest dude who showed up in a war zone and did OK. I was able to respond effectively to most things that happened to me, except for one incident that left me temporarily incapacitated and combat ineffective. I'd also had training. In the following posts, I'll talk about people that WERE heroes. Who helped civilians under fire get to safety. Who despite being barely old enough to graduate high school, ran into danger to help the injured Hevals. I've done a few similar things, but because it was drilled into my head when I was younger. Many of these Heroes did it because it was what was in their heart--they couldn't help but be who they were in that situation.

Shaheed Ciwan, upon arriving to Rojava for his Second, and last tour, poses with the Shaheed Poster of his friend Reece Harding. Shaheed Namirin. Til Valhal. (Photo Jordan Mactaggart Collection)

The always tranquil Christian Cemetary in Tel Nasr. A good place to rest.

The Manbij Meatgrinder. (Photo Mactaggart collection)

Shaheed Ciwan, Shaheed Muslim by the morale fire prior to the Shadadee operation. Heval Muslim also Shaheed in Manbij. He was one of my favorite people in Tabor Shaheed Berxwedan.

                                                                                                                                                     Shaheeds Ciwan Firat and Agir Shervan, Jordan Mactaggart and Levi Shirley. Both were from Colorado--the mountains must breed bravery. Shaheed Namirin. Til Valhal.

Shaheed Firaz Kardo,        

Badin al-Imam.  Had truly been everywhere and done everything. Shaheed Namirin. Til Valhal.

Rudy and Kemal display their personalities...

Shaheed Rudi Chekdar, Martin Gruden of Slovenia. Shaheed Namirin. Til Valhal. (Photo Freeman Stevenson)

Shaheed Givarra, Dean Carl Evans, of Britain. Shaheed Namirin. Til Valhal.

Shaheed Amed Kobane, William Savage, Shaheed in the last days of Manbij. Shaheed Namirin. Til Valhal.

     These are the six internationals who gave their lives for the liberation of Manbij. As I said earlier, I'll only be talking about the three I was with at the end. Much attention is paid to the foreign fighters, but we were a tiny part of the operation. The city was taken by Kurds and Arabs. Many, many who gave their lives or who were injured past the point of future functioning. Remember them.

On waiting.

"I fucking love waiting!"

Everybody's wait ends here. No exceptions.

     As much as one would like to believe that time spent in a warzone is a non-stop hail of gunfire, explosions and adrenaline, ninety percent or more of your time is spent waiting. "Hurry up and wait" is the soldier's motto. From Shadadee till the start of Manbij,  most of our time was spent hanging around. We went to Qamishlo and a few other places--we only fought once in Qamishlo--, but our trips to Seluk and back to Qamishlo were basically as a show of force, or as extra security after attacks. We spent months waiting.

     During this time, two more volunteers joined our Tabor, Zinar, a sixty-something world traveler and English teacher who had decided in his autumn years that it was time to experience war.

Note the Grateful Dead Patch. If anybody has this guys contact info, let me know.

     Also joining us was Firaz Kardo (Now Shaheed Firaz), an Egyptian born Kurd with a knack for fixing broken electronics, and a desire to make every space he occupied as luxurious as possible. He installed WIFI and a ceiling fan in our Nokta and insisted on regular trips to Tel Tamar to eat at the Christian restaurant and pick up assorted goodies. I wasn't complaining. He spoke at least five languages, and as a young man joined the Iraqi Communist party to fight Saddam after his father was killed by the regime. Quite the life.

"If we don't do this, WHO WILL?" Miss you, Brother.

     At any rate, for some months, waiting became our lives. Waiting for the Manbij operation, that was to come at any time. We bullshited, argued, made friends with our Kurdish Hevals, cooked food, complained, and generally made the best of things. We went to the local ice cream shop and figured out that sheep ice cream is the best stuff in existence. We watched Band of Brothers on laptop. Good times. Towards the end of May, we noticed American made Chinook helicopters flying low from a Northern meeting area to a southern base on a nightly basis. We were told that American Special Operations Soldiers and higher ups were meeting with YPG officials about the impending Manbij liberation. It wouldn't be long now.

Fighting the Regime in Qamishlo--GoPro footage

     Ok, as promised, I got the Go-Pro footage from my buddy Freeman Stevenson of the fight in Qamishlo, April 22 2016. His Go Pro goes dead about an hour and a half into the fight, so a lot of it isnt seen. Also, Yes, Mormon and Ciwan were aware that twenty minutes of fucking around is far to long for a casevac. We were all a lot more aggressive about first aid after that. Some commanders are better about this than others. For example, when this Tabor, Shaheed Kareem, was pushing through Gunds during the Manbij operation, we had only one fatality, despite several Hevals being shot through the chest. They were given treatment on-site and moved out quickly. I've seen several of them since then, and they're on the mend; Including Heval Aria, from this video. As I've said in the previous post, with enough smart and good natured idealists like Heval Aria, this whole social project will be for something. Anyway, I go into more detail in the previous post, 'War is a Drug, Part Six: Qamishlo.'  More to come.


Note to Roy Gutman, of The Nation: You're decrepit old ass really thinks that the YPG and the Syrian Regime are Pals? IN THE FUTURE there will probably have to be some collusion, to get the country out of its cycle of rubble production and corpse manufacture. It's just the way it's going to have to be. But I assure you, there is no love lost between the SAA and the YPG, let alone a clandestine partnership. You think the SAA and the YPG regularly kill one another to hide the conspiracy, or some such tin-foil hat fuckery? Get the fuck out of Istanbul and out of the pocket of KRG and MIT handlers. Go take a tour of Nusaybin, or any number of Kurdish cities demolished and massacred by the Turkish State. Talk to people outside of a managed environment. Be a journalist, not a hitman. 

War is a Drug, Part six. Qamishlo

Me and the boys before a "business" trip to Qamishlo. Photo Jordan Mactaggart

     We settled back in to Tel Tamir, and did the interminable waiting that is normal in any military. The Tabor was still in shambles. Fights and low moral were common. Finally, a large meeting was held, and both Male and Female Commanders lost their commands. Both were sent for further education. All four of us Westerners made repeated requests to leave the Tabor. Kemal and I spoke to Commander Simko and secured two spots for ourselves. Finally, a new Commander arrived, a young man named Tofun, who was to take this Tabor as his first command. We observed the dynamics change for a few days--lots of guys, including some useful and battle hardened ones, left or were thrown out at this time--and called a Tekmil (meeting) between ourselves and Tofun to see what the situation was. Our main concern was "Will you let us fight? Is it a problem for you if we get injured or die?" We had been operating under the assumption that YPG did not want it's foreign volunteers in harms way. Ciwan, who had done a previous tour in Rojava, constantly confirmed this, as it had been his experience previously. Tofun said there would be no problems getting a fight under his command. At any rate, fears abated, Kemal opted to return to Tabor Simko, and myself, Ciwan and Gerdun opted to stay. Actually, Ciwan still wanted to leave and asked regularly, they just wouldn't let him! Everybody liked having Ciwan around.

     During our long wait, I was given the PKM machine gun (Kurds call it a BXC pronounced: bixie.) and I was pretty pleased. I'd been trying to secure a bixiegi spot since I arrived in Rojava (fear of losing the BXC would later keep me in this Tabor, despite good reasons to leave.) The Tabor received some medical training from the Western Tactical Medical Unit (TMU) and for the most part, soaked it up. Kurds want nothing to do with western style tactics and training, They have their own way of doing things and are ridiculously stubborn about change. They do however, often (not all of them, but enough) see the benefit of new life-saving techniques and equipment. Some filled entire backpacks with medical supplies. 

     We'd heard there was fighting in Qamishlo, and were told to stand by (of course we didn't believe this. We'd been told we were going in ten days or sebe to somewhere for weeks.). This time, the word came down and we hopped in our trucks with our fighting gear and headed out. We had quite a few replacements for the guys and girls that had left--Shervana Nu (new fighters) straight from the academy. Young, full of energy and badly digested ideology, and often dumb as hell. Kids. They chanted Sher! Sher! Sher!(Fight!) as well as other slogans frequently on the truck ride there. I'm still irritated just thinking about it.

     As we neared Qamishlo, we began to encounter lines of vehicles evacuating the city. They held up the two fingered victory sign and yelled "Biji YPG!" as they fled the city. Along the road, many civilians, many young men and women, stood alongside the road, or even took chai and laid on blankets. I've never understood how fighting aged men and women can just leave while their homes are being destroyed. It has always been foreign to me. In the distance, we could hear shooting and explosions.

     We spent the night at a re-purposed mechanic shop, which was large enough to accommodate the Tabor plus some heavy weapons trucks that showed up. We where in visual distance from the airport, and apparently, while us YPG types were being trucked in, the regime had been flying in elite Republican Guard, as well as "foreigners." We spent the night listening to the ongoing fighting in the city center. (At this time, there was also heavy fighting in the Kurdish city of Nusaybin between the Kurds and the Turkish State, just across the Turkish border. Sometimes they would also launch artillery into Qamishlo. We could see the destruction as the Turks used Phosphorus bombs--a banned weapon--on the Urban Guerillas. It made the fighting in Qamishlo pale in comparrison.)

     In the morning, after some breakfast, We gathered up our gear, as the word was we were moving out. We heard Tofun say "no Americans, and no Women with the first group." Distraught, I sat dejectedly on my ammo bag. And was then told to get in a truck, along with Ciwan and Gerdun, a gun team of two YPJ girls, a few misfits, an older Kurd named Shaheen that always complained that his head wasn't right from years of fighting, and the Bluk Commander (Second in command for the Tabor.). We didn't see this as promising. "Look who we're with. They're just getting us out of the way," we pondered as we drove into the city center. They let us off at the last Asayish checkpoint before the ongoing battle. Attitudes instantly adjusted, we began our advance into the city.
     To cross the open streets, Asayish fired down the dead space and we simply sprinted across (Note: while the Asayish tend to retreat during forward advances, they are absolutely ferocious when defending their homes and will fight to the death. These guys had been fighting for days when we got there.) After crossing several blocks in this manner, we arrived to the line of regime held territory. A small group from our element went in a next door building to see if they could establish a position, but were immediately hit with an RPG. None injured, they quickly came back downstairs.
     A group of civilians cleared out, no shots fired at them from the Regime. As we pondered our next move, a deranged homeless man wondered towards our position from down the street. Who knows how many rounds had missed him on the way there. The Asayish tried to shoo him away, and eventually had to fire at his feet to  get the point across. He shuffled off to safety. At this point, it was decided that we would occupy the top floors of some seven or eight story buildings to our rear, and establish fire superiority, if we could.  Old "my head isn't right" Shaheen, non-disturbed by the situation, passed out cookies.
     To get to the buildings we were going for, we had to run lengthwise down a block of road. The first group went without incident, then it was our turn. In front of me, Ciwan labored, bitched and moaned under the weight of his RPG and bag of rockets. Suffer. After a seven or so story assent in the first building, we posted up by a window. Gerdun was placed on Nobetchi (guard duty) and intermittently poked his head out to see the situation. He drew a lot of fire. We were right in front of a regime checkpoint, and they were constantly breaking cover to run back and forth. This is very different from Daesh, who are sneaky. I briefly got on the BXC and returned fire, before I was led to the next building over, separating me from the other westerners.
     At the doorway, Shaheen told me to go upstairs and call for the Hevals (comrades) who would show me where to go. I went up floor by floor, yelling Heval! But to no success. I finally went to the rooftop, and crouchwalked to the corner to see if I could get a shot at where I thought there was a sniper. As soon as I popped my head up, a swarm of bullets passed by my head. Guess they saw me. Crouching back down to investigate a sand pile as a position, Shaheen yelled at me from the door to come, and took me one flight down to where they had prepared a fortified firing position for me and my BXC. They even laid a blanket out. This was good, as the tops of these buildings, like most large housing structures in Syria, are unfinished bare concrete. I set up my gun and bag and got to work. Single shots for bunkers and firing holes, controlled bursts when they broke cover.
     For a time, I was left alone here. Fortunately for my rear security, I was soon joined by two young Kurds who immediately set to making their own bunkers. One guy mounted a night optic on his AK and then proudly told me he had shot a guy at around a thousand meters. I didn't see anything.
     Meanwhile, on the next door roof, a young YPJ named Arya--whose first fight was this one--had been shot in the chest. The Bluk commander froze up, not knowing what to do. Ciwan and Gerdun stuffed the wound with gauze, and got the Bluk to bring in an armored car to evacuate her. The whole thing is actually captured on Gerdun's GoPro. Maybe the Mormon will share it someday.
     Meanwhile, in my "Murder Nest," I continued to shoot away, going through hundreds of rounds. After several--maybe four--hours of exchanging fire like this, a cease fire was called. The Regime didn't want to lose any more territory, and there was a Tabor poised to take the Airport. They relented. We then waited several days in our position, in case the cease fire was broken or the Regime didn't meet all demands. We mostly pulled guard, ate kebab and smoked. I went to the roof later and looked down at my firing position from the outside--it was absolutely riddled with bullet holes. From small 7.62 rounds to what looked like the Dushka equivalent of fifty cal. It was a good bunker.
     Despite being shot very near the heart, Arya recovered. I got to know her a bit later on, and she was intelligent and the model of good natured Idealism. With enough Aryas, that region might just become something....

Regime building, sporting giant Regime flag, as seen through a firing hole in the neighboring building. We'd been told not to worry about this building as we advanced to our positions. War in the Middle East.....Picture Jordan Mactaggart

Several days later, Hevala Sema, left, laughs at well, anything and everthing, Always. Heval Vagin humours her. Picture Jordan Mactaggart

     We ended up coming back to Qamishlo again as a show of force, but that was the only time we fought there. Given the propensity of conflicts between the Regime and YPG to flare up every few months in Qamishlo and Hasakah, I wonder how it will work out in the now jointly held Aleppo. We'll see,

     After about four days there, we returned to base to continue waiting on the upcoming big operation.

    

War is a Drug, part Five: Berm Life, Heval!

The Mormon holding down the Berm. (Photo of Freeman Stevenson taken by Jake Klipsch on Freeman Stevenson's Go Pro. There, that was accurate, no?)

     We departed with Tabor Sippan, with the intention of taking territory. We mass gaggled in a village, with a Tabor of Asayish, Rojava's internal security force (YPGs job is to take territory, Asayish's is to hold it.). As a kol boarded a BMP (overstuffed--as it sped away, one YPJ named Hevala Akin fell out of the back!) and took off, we received rocket fire--probably meant for the BMP--that landed near a building behind us. The Asayish, as taking fire in an offense is not their job, quickly fled--towards the building that took fire. The gaggle rapidly dissipated to positions of cover, and a Duska heavy machine gun truck eventually returned fire as rockets and airbursts were incoming. As night fell, we boarded our trucks and moved forward--Daesh rocketeers having fled.
     We occupied a small settlement, probably owned by one family, for the night. It was typical of this region, mud huts for the folks, mud huts for the goats. The next day, Tabor Simko rolled through, ready to make an advance, and Shervan Kanada, thinking this would be a better opportunity for a fight, grabbed his gear and hopped on one of their trucks as it left. The remaining four then re-located to another Gund (Kurdish for Village. "Gundi" is villager or peasant--sometimes descriptive but can be perjorative, like calling someone an un-educated redneck in America.), and occupying a building, courtesy of the Gundis. We sensed something was wrong with the Tabor at this time, as Sippan, the Male commander, and Semma, the female commander had an argument (over what, we never quite figured out, but it involved the Shaheed (martyrdom) of some of the Tabors members in Shadadi.) that involved Sippan racking a round in his rifle, and another YPG soldier firing rounds in the dirt to diffuse the situation. We sat at this Gund for nine or ten days, guarding, and being told that nothing was going on.
     We were finally on the move, going to take some additional Gunds, when we found out just how busy YPG had been as we sat with our problem tabor. The front had been extended for many kilometers, and many defensive earth berms had been erected along the it. We had to drive for two dusty hours to arrive at our final destination. We took the Gunds without incident, and the Gundis welcomed us--telling where mines were located and were Daesh had been. We were then told the operation was complete, and we would be moving out. After a good dinner of meat and nan bread, pizza style, we boarded our Toyota Hyluxes and moved out. To defend a Berm in the middle of the desert, which caused so much unhappiness to one of our Kurdish Comrades, that we had to comment on his suffering. And our Suffering. From here on out, our little clique was the "Suffer" crew--everything suffered.
     The next morning, I was on guard duty, around nine o'clock, observing the front. I saw to my twelve the distinctive smoke trails of katusha fire, about two and some kilometers away. Not knowing the Kurdish for incoming, "hatin," I called out the only word that I knew all understood: Rocket! and got down behind the berm, looking forward. I saw impact several hundred meters out, saying "well, they can't hit shit!" just as the additional three rockets walked forward, one landing directly infront of us, and one passing over our heads with its signature "woowoowoowoo." Expecting more, I said "Fuck this, I'm returning fire!" and hopped on the BXC (PKM machine gun.). I was dissuaded from  this course of action by my comrades, as the Dushka occupying our position obliged to return fire, and it was a 'bit' long for a LMG shot. Might have been a bit excited.
     The day before this, the Dushka had been hammering away at what we thought was nothing. When asked about it the Dushkagis (A 'gi' is a way of saying that an individual is the operator of an object or action.) replied that they were shooting the Katusha battery. Guess we should have listened to them, because this was a daily ritual. Nine o'clock or so, Katushas. I learned to enjoy it pretty quickly, as noone seemed to get hurt (this is obviously not always the case), and it provided just enough excitement to be worth the otherwise monotonous existence.

Myself, holding an impacted Katusha rocket. Many, like this one, seemed to be improvised, as it was made of threaded pipe.

     In general, this was one of the best times I had in my time with YPG. We had a good clique of westerners, Kurds that Ciwan dubbed "The Island of Misfit Toys," but that we came to like for the most part, and incoming rockets. Daily. After a few weeks of this, and with the arriving spring heat, we packed up and returned to Tel Tamer.

     

IFAKS save lives

Want to do something to help the situation in Kurdistan? These guys have been at it for almost a year, and the training and IFAKS they provide SAVE LIVES. I have witnessed it myself on several occasions during the Manbij op. Simple things like tourniquets and chest seals, combined with the Tabor and personal level training that these guys provide SAVE LIVES. If you enjoy my little war stories, consider that they occurred in an actual war. And in war, sometimes a tourniquet is the difference between telling your own story, and having it told by others.

http://mermt.com/

http://mermt.com/current-projects/ifak-for-kurdistan/

War is a Drug, part four: Liberation of Shadadi (or, See Daesh Run!)

 

     We settled into a school that Tabor Simko was using as a base, having just taken the village. We chatted around with the Kurds, whose mood was casual--there had been little fighting to clear the area. There was however one unfortunate dead Daesh lying in front of the gate. A Loader, which was building fortifications, later buried him. It was the first body I saw in Rojava. Ciwan found him, of course--he had an eye for dead guys--and we gathered around for a look. Not to different from seeing the dead of a traffic accident, but there is something primal about the look in the eye of war dead, like the look of a dead predator, killed during the hunt.

Ciwan and Shervan, keeping guard on the roof.

     From there, we moved to a berm on the cities edge, then to a school within the city itself. After a day of waiting, we begin our preparations to enter the city. The tabor was divided into five kols (a kol is like a squad) and each westerner was placed separately into a kol. The Kols three forward kols included Shervan, Gerdun and Ciwan. Left behind for the next trip was myself and Kamal. The first three kols entered a BMP (armored vehicle on treads) and armored Humvees and took off. Within minutes of their arrival we could hear gunfire in the distance, then explosions. The BMP begin to make back and forth trips from the front to our position, rushing wounded to awaiting trucks for evac. We could hear RPGs and other explosives. And still, we waited. Night fell, and the shooting continued. Finally, American A-10s began strafing runs with their distinctive "BRRRRRRRT," and smart bombs knocked out positions. After a couple of building movements, the elements Kamal and I were attached to were moved forward. We arrived to silent, newly taken territory.

     After a rainy night on a rooftop, I was posted up with a BXC (Russian PKM Machine Gun) gunner and another exhausted Kurd on a rooftop. Again, I found myself left behind as an element moved forward to contact. I was furious. The drive to fight when it is ongoing, though slightly 'over there' is maddening. The next day, I confronted Simko, and was put in a Kol with Kamal, which would be advancing into the Daesh housing sector of the city. We pushed forward with no resistance. They had run away for the most part. The entire invading force stopped at the foot of the cities Hospital, where the remaining Daesh were purported to be. The two that remained were quickly routed, as an element led by Shervan Kanada entered and cleared the building. At a moment, the ululations transmitted through the radios and everyone shot off a magazine in the air at once. Shadadi was liberated.

     I talked to the other guys who had seen some action the day before, and it was mostly small arms stuff, though Ciwan's kol had been nearly surrounded and had to retreat. The city, atypically of Daesh was not mined. In all, The city had been liberated at the cost of only six lives--including Shaheed Rustem, a well known German--and at record speed. It would have an impact on the attitudes and expectations of the YPG during the later Manbij operation, but for that moment, we had a whole Daesh quarter to investigate!

     Like kids in a candy store, we collected Daesh flags and memorabilia (all I was able to get home was a ring, but I had around twenty flags at one point), as well as all the military gear we could want. New boots and web gear, body armor, arms and ammunition, Daesh was supplied as well as a conventional army. We took what we pleased.

     After a few days of this, a couple of us thought it was time to return to Tabor Shaheed Berxwedan, as we had told the commander of that tabor we would. We approached Simko, who conceided, but then pulled us aside, telling us that there was more fighting to be had if we stayed with him. We agreed, and were then mysteriously loaded onto a truck and dropped off with Tabor Sippan. Rojava is a strange place....